Ayahuasca Ceremony part 3 - the morning after

(Altered States of Consciousness Series #9)

It must have been just before the sun was about to come up when the ceremony was brought to a close. I was glad - My body was tired and I was looking forward to stretching out in my sleeping bag and getting some good sleep.
That never happened.
I did stretch out in my sleeping bag, but the "good sleep" never happened.

My mind was racing and as I was laying there, shifting from one not quite comfortable position to the next, the sun came up like an eruption. The room became an instant oven.
Nights in the high desert = good.
Days = bad.

The blinds on the windows managed to let all the sunlight through and a huge beam was landing right on my sleeping bag, and it didn't help to remove the cover because then the sun was hitting me directly and that was even worse. I put my sweatshirt over my face to try to block out the light.

I just couldn't go to sleep.
After a few hours, I got up and wandered down stairs.

I was feeling very emotional -
probably some of it a leftover amplification effect from the medicine,
and some from the combination of no food and no sleep for the past 24 hours.

I was hoping a shower would help me cool off and act as a cleanser that could help me feel like starting a new day.
Instead I just stood and cried while the water poured over my head and body and became more and more emotional.

The shower was cooling, but the thing about the desert is that any amount of time spent outside in the daylight, however minuscule, will cause sweating. By the time I walked the short path back to the house, I wanted another shower.
But more than that, I wanted to go home.

I went in and sat on a chair and J asked how I was. I started to cry again. She (J) and I went on a long walk. We followed a dried up river-wash up the hill just to the northeast of the house.
The tears kept welling up.

It was finally decided that she would drive me and my stuff to a spot halfway home and someone would meet me there to take me home.
I knew that I needed sleep and good nutrition and I knew I would not sleep if I stayed and also that if I was to partake in the ceremony again, for a second night, then I would have to fast again for most of the day and thus not get the nourishment I needed. I don't think the food issue would have mattered as much if I had been able to get at least 3 or 4 hours of solid sleep instead of zero.

As I stood in the kitchen with tears in my eyes and running down my face, several of the group gave me a big "family" hug. This felt really really good.

A was brought down to talk to me and provide some council - this was T's idea - I think partly as a last ditch effort to try to get me to stay, and partly he instinctively knew that A might be able to provide some support in a way that only one of the ayahuasqueros could have done. I readily agreed.

We walked into the big room where we had all been sitting ceremony not so many hours before. She sat where she sat during the ceremony and she offered me K's seat. That felt like another "little honor."

I explained to A about the food thing and more importantly the no sleep thing, and she listened with love and compassion. She insisted that I at least drink some juice before I left (I told her that I never got sick and could still feel the medicine in here - as I placed my hands over my intestines) and I agreed.

Even as I sat there crying, I just didn't have the power to stop no matter how hard I tried -
I was amazed at the change in my perception of A in the light of morning versus the previous night.
During the ceremony, she was like some kind of supernatural being-
in a state of total rapture-
vibrating to the magical and subtle frequencies of another plane-
chanting healing hymns,
invocations to the spirit of the vine,
tapping into and radiating love and cosmic energy in every direction.
Now, with her sleepy girlish grin, disheveled hair,
she seemed so ordinary,
but the love she showed was just as powerful as the night before.

I told her how much I appreciated everything she and K did for us, and I also told her how beautiful her singing was. And it really was.

I don't know that I have ever enjoyed anyone's singing as much as I enjoyed listening to her sing. I know I went on before about how intense her songs were, but as my peak wore down and the ceremony continued, the songs became more calming, more graceful-
the chaotic melodies of the traditional Icaros replaced by songs in Spanish, English, and probably other languages. The lady to A's right would harmonize with her, and the combination was so pretty.
And the words always felt so good...
mostly chants,

muchas gracias...

heal the nations...
heal the children...
heal the elders...

I wish I could remember more of the words, and I really wish I could have a recording of the whole thing. Oh man, I wonder if that would be okay another time.
(Wow, pausing for a moment to relive that music!)

Anyway, I'm still not sure why I was crying so much and feeling so fucking emotionally raw.
It was just like a flood I couldn't stop-
I probably wasn't meant to stop it.

I have so much gratitude for K and A and for the roles they played. They conducted a powerful and safe ceremony. I felt especially safe being able to sit right next to them, and I told them so right after they brought the ceremony to a close.

I'm not claiming to know at all how,
but I definitely have a clearer understanding of how all beings are connected,
and how God is love,
and we all have love in our hearts,
and so that means we all have God in our hearts,
and that is just so amazing,
and so beautiful,
and there is so much love out in the world,
and we just have to choose to see it.

and God is love
and we are love
and we are God

Amen

-CM

Ayahuasca Ceremony part 1 - a prelude
Ayahuasca Ceremony part 2 - and the medicine goes down

Ayahuasca Ceremony part 2 - and the medicine goes down

(Altered States of Consciousness Series #8)

I was the first to drink after K and A -
made me feel kind of brave and like it was an honor...
was expecting it to taste really bad - or if not expecting, then at least prepared for -
but was actually kind of good in a way -
kind of bitter, but mostly sweet and very thick like syrup -
lots of little bits of pulp that made it feel (and taste) extra woody...

fairly slow and gradual onset.
initial onset = very dissociative, meaning very consciousness expanding -
not thinking from my individual perspective -
not really thinking in terms of any pronouns -
remained like this for much of the journey, but was able to easily think in terms of "I" if I chose to do so.

first wave of nausea (about 45 minutes into journey?)= very brief, maybe lasting a minute.

peak starts at about 1 hour, maybe 1 hour and 15 minutes.

second wave of nausea occurs on way to the bathroom - thought I had to shit, but didn't... returned to chair...
-mucho energy coursing through body - hands/arm throbbing almost painfully with pulses of energy.
then peak starts - very dissociative.

"normal" vision dissolves...
very dark, can no longer focus on objects in the room, even my bucket (which is a little distressing because I want to be able to find it if I feel like I have to vomit)...

typical psychedelic geometric shapes/patterns take over...
Alex Grey-esque images/faces/bodies appear...

"snakes of light"
...serpents of pure light slither very quickly across the floor

made my way to bathroom again with help from P -one of the sitters.
had to hold his arm - felt very tipsy (kind of like being drunk) - did not shit -
P helped me back to my chair...

I never did vomit... felt like I had to shit three different times but never did.
I did sweat like a motherfucker though...
while I was sweating, I would feel very warm and unwrap myself from my blankets... was kind of cold in the room though, and my body was literally drenched in sweat and the cold air turned the water cold and I started to shiver and wrapped up and then had to ask for another blanket.

One time on the way to the bathroom, I actually grabbed P's hand. I don't think I've held a dude's hand in over 25 years and then it was probably my Dad's. I think part of my journey was to connect with people more and be able to state and to ask for and take what I need when I need it.

I think the third time I went to the bathroom was to get away from A's singing and shaking of the tobacco leaves - was too intense at that time - singing a traditional Icaro - lots of stimuli - very aware of everyone else and what they are doing - coughing, barfing, getting up to go outside or to the bathroom...

Peak probably lasted about an hour or so, maybe longer, maybe even two hours - very hard to tell.

As the peak subsided, the music became much more bearable - this is not to say I didn't like the music, but I think A was just too intense at that time for me - like Jarboe to the 42nd power - completely on fire...
K has a much softer voice and his songs were a little easier to handle - also he played a lot of instrumental music.

When A was too intense, she was a blur...
movie frame vision... arms waving...
dress spinning...
powerful singing
...keeping time with her rattle
...pretty amazing really -
her voice sounded otherworldly - not quite human -
maybe the voice of the plant's spirit...

K's songs were more grounding, while A's were more intensifying/empowering, aggressive almost... like a catalyst for the medicine...
(though K was kind of intense a couple times when he played his guitar-like instrument)
K's music was more calming when he played the flute (similar to a ney but not as breathy)

As I started to come down,
as the peak was ending,
I started to feel so much love emanating from K and A and then from everyone, including myself.

One of my intentions was to heal a little problem I have with one of my teeth -
the gum is pulling back and its very sensitive in one area - almost a little hole appearing in the gum.
Well, a mini-miracle happened (though I suppose when it comes to miracles, there are no "minis"). It is is partially healed - the almost-hole is gone and the gum is not pulling back nearly as much as it was before - though it still is some - and I haven't spit any blood after brushing my teeth since drinking the medicine.
Immediately after downing the tea, I remember running my tongue around my mouth, along the inside of my lips and along my gums, and I felt a little pocket of sweet syrupy pulp from the tea resting in the space between my gums and the inside of the left part of my bottom lip - precisely the area where the infamous tooth is -
I almost used my tongue to flick it out of there so I could swallow it down, but then something stopped me and I decided to leave it there -
maybe it could work its magic right there at the source.

Another one of my intentions was to connect more deeply with God -
(maybe seeking a more tangible connection ) and that did happen too.

After the peak, when I was coming down but still experiencing the psychedelic effects, I began processing and one of the things that happened was that I felt a greater/stronger connection with everything.
I realized more than ever just how connected we all are, and how we all have so much love inside of us -
and the world has so much love,
and people have to choose to see it, but there is love everywhere...

I kept thinking, "K's heart is so full of love," and
"A has so much love in her heart...
there is so much love in everyone's heart."

I could see a bright sun with yellow flames shooting out of K's heart while he walked around in the center of the circle playing his songs...
and the flaming yellow rays of his sun connected with yellow flames shooting out of the hearts of everyone else because we all have little suns in our hearts that shoot out yellow flames of love that connect with the love of all other beings...

Jaime and I went to our favorite breakfast place [two mornings after the ceremony] and while we were sitting in the restaurant, I could see a residual residue -
maybe more of a sensing (though not limited to my psychic field, it is partly in my visual field too)...
I could see little suns where people's hearts are supposed to be and each sun was sending out rays of love that intertwined and connected with all the other rays of love in the room -
I imagine the field is much bigger even than just the physical area of the restaurant.

I realize in a stronger way than ever before that God is love, and it really is that simple.
Three words...
God is love.

And, we all have God inside...

I spent the last half of the ceremony just experiencing this all encompassing love -
a neat coincidence is that this epiphany, which began as I watched K in the middle of the circle playing his song, happened right around the time the moon came over the hill and her light flooded through the wall of the four pairs or so of double glass doors that lead out onto the deck and into the room.

After a while I went outside to bathe in that moonlight -
I opened my arms out to the sky
and thanked God for keeping me safe
and for all the love in the world
and for making such a beautiful world with beautiful stars to look up at.

I loved that I could see so many stars -
that is a wonderful thing about being out in the high desert away from the city. I don't remember ever seeing the milky way so distinctly -
I felt being able to see the milky way like that was some kind of an honor bestowed upon me.

I went out to that deck a couple times just to be under those stars in the moonlight.

there is so much love
God is love
we have to choose to see it
we have to choose to be it...

[The next post will be the conclusion of this ayahuasca ceremony series- which is itself a series within a series. It will be the story of the morning after.]

-CM

Ayahuasca Ceremony part 1 - a prelude
Ayahuasca Ceremony part 3 - the morning after

Ayahuasca Ceremony part 1- a prelude

(Altered States of Consciousness Series #7)

I arrived at ____ _____, in the high desert east of San Diego, early in the afternoon on a Friday. I spent much of the afternoon "settling in" - getting comfortable with the place. I drummed for a while, maybe an hour or two. I hiked around, found caves, enjoyed the views from different boulders. I did some socializing, but also had some quiet time for myself.

I wasn't really checking the time, but my guess is that the ceremony did not get fully under way until at least 11 pm, maybe 12.

Our guest ayahuasqueros were K (a male), and A (a female). They looked to be about my age or perhaps a bit younger (late twenties to early thirties). I sat immediately to K's left, A sat on his right. About 20 of us sat circle together. I was the first to drink (after K and A). I knelt in front while A blessed the tea. I drank the ayahuasca, then returned to my seat and waited...

[A quick note on "ayahuasca" vs. "hoasca": The tea I drank could technically be labeled "hoasca" (because it was indeed made from the Banisteriopsis caapi and Psychotria viridis plants and not substitutes (either natural or synthetic). My understanding is that if analogs/substitutes are used, then the brew should be called ayahuasca. However, it is also my understanding that if the brew is made outside of the traditional geography, i.e. the Amazon rain forests, then the brew should be called ayahuasca and not hoasca.]

I hope this blog post arouses some curiosities out there. In my next post, I will be writing about my experience during the ayahusca ceremony.

-CM

Ayahuasca Ceremony part 2 - and the medicine goes down
Ayahuasca Ceremony part 3 - the morning after